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Is it time to quit my job at the castle?
I’m a ghost hunter and not sure what to do about a crime I witness in a haunted house…
Help! I eloped with a ghost!
Most Graceful and Virtuous Erzsebet,
I beg pardon for addressing you without a formal introduction befitting your charity. May my reason for this unforgivable lapse be sufficient to move your virtuous heart to proffer advice. My need is dire and scarce can I write without trembling!
My true love, the virginal and innocent Agnes! How I sigh for her! Her mother, with a surfeit of piety, dedicated Agnes to God upon her birth. In the full sadness of fate, I met my dearest Agnes with scant time before she would be lost to the cloister of a nunnery. There was no chance of persuading her mother to remit her promise to God, though certainly God would not create two people so fitted for matrimony as my Agness and me if He did not intend us to be together! I am a man of no little means and could absolve us of our righteous deceit by buying extra Masses to be said in supplication for our immortal souls. In the extremity, I will petition the Most Holy Pope for an indulgence to restore our rightful good grace in Heaven.
Agnes is uncommonly shrewd for a girl of her tender age and devised a stratagem to affect her escape. Dearest Erzsebet, Agnes related to me that her familial castle is burthened by a specter known as The Bleeding Nun. This ghoul makes an appearance on the fifth of May every five years. At precisely one in the morning, The Bleeding Nun exits her chamber, descends the East Tower staircase, crosses the great hall and from there exits the castle. As per tradition, the castle gates are left open for her fearful exit: she needs this not (being able to spirit through any barrier), but politeness impels the Porter. Faint with terror to encounter her ghostly holiness, every living soul avoids the East Tower on the night of her excursion. My most delicate and pure Agnes proposed to disguise herself as the apparition and descend the East Staircase, pass through the unbarred gates, and meet me and a hired carriage. Certain that our blessed love will overcome her mother’s resistance, we will exchange our vows in a secret ceremony. Once wed and bed, Agnes can no longer be forced to take the veil.
I could see no flaw in her plan, save the importunate Duenna Cunegonda, who discovered our decision and vowed to waylay Agnes. My loyal manservant, Theodore, helped me abduct Cunegonda. This devout and misguided woman I stowed in a closet of my lodging; bound and gagged, she strove to scream for help whenever we loosed her mouth to eat. Honest Theodore discovered that secreting a bottle of brandy in the closet was a more efficient pacifier for the troublesome Duenna, and this we have done.
On the fifth night of the fifth month, I awaited my beloved as instructed. My heart and body ached with desire to clasp her to me. Be not scandalized, Wisest Erzsebet! I made solemn oath to protect Agnes’s chastity until the blessed night of our wedding. Imagine my joy when I espied a lantern gleam through the narrow casements of the East Tower and was assured of my darling’s descent to our cherished future. Ere she passed through the gates, I clutched her in my arms; she fell against me, swooning and speechless. I proclaimed to her, “Thou art mine! I am thine! In my veins while blood shall roll, thou art mine!” Brave Agnes, overcome by the adventure and her rapture to be with me, was cold to the touch. I hastened her into the carriage where she lay motionless across my lap. Even as a horrendous tempest howled about us, even as the horses ran in terror as if something more unnatural than a storm pursued them, even as the carriage overturned: Agnes remained as still as a corse [sic].
Flung from my seat, my head dashed upon a rock, I regained my senses only with the coming of the dawn and peasants poking at me with sticks to see if I yet lived. Upon gathering my strength, I inquired after the lady, begging news of her health. Oh, dreadful days of despair! I entreated the peasants and my hostess at the inn to search for Agnes. Their efforts were in vain. Weakened by my distress, I was unable to participate in the search but begged them time and again to venture back to the site of our accident. The lowly inhabitants of the village believed me delirious from the fall and a doctor bad [sic] me to drink a composing medicine. Gentle Erzsebet, may you never feel such agonies of heart!
And here, perhaps, you believe my tale to be at a melancholy close. Would that it were! One night, as repose eluded me, I heard the church bell chime one o’clock. Immediately thereafter, I perceived footfalls on the staircase. The door to my dim-lit chamber opened, and there approached my Agnes, still dressed in her disguise! Unaccountable cold dews glistered upon my brow, while the tremors wracked my body. My very hair stood on end! My dearest has arrived, yet I felt immense fear. Despite this, I drew up the veil covering my love’s face.
Oh, horror! Oh, perfected terror! The face, what there was of it, carried not one hint of the youthful, fresh skin of my Agnes. Believe me, dear Lady, when I say I looked upon the corrupt face of a corse![sic] This rotted, animated corse [sic] possessed hypnotic eyes and a horrible, paralyzing voice. “”Thou art mine! I am thine!” she rasped. “Mine thy body! Mine thy soul!” When she sat on my bed to take my hand in her icy grasp, when she pressed her frigid lips to mine – what pure agony of horror!
I have determined not to avail myself of advice from those I know well. The reputation of my family name relies upon my discretion. However, I am at my mind’s utter limit & my sanity at stake, for this evil pretender steals upon my chamber night upon night! I beg you, if you have a Christian heart, please reply with all haste.
Signed,
Your loyal servant and forlorn lover of the beatific Agnes
Dear Loyal Servant and Forlorn Lover of the Beatific Agnes,
You have much, much bigger problems than a ghost. I’ve notified the authorities that you are drugging and falsely imprisoning Duenna Cunegonda. They are knocking doors in all the towns closest to the castle of The Bleeding Nun and you will be found.
Your one saving grace (since you seem into that kind of thing) is that you failed to kidnap Agnes. You did not say how old she is, but given you refer to her as “virginal,” “pure,” and “innocent,” I am erring on the side of what-the-everloving-fuck are you doing with a girl who is “of tender age?” You deserve no congratulations on your pledge to protect her chastity until you are married: you have groomed this young woman to meet your needs. However, that you failed to abduct her does save you from jail time surrounded by convicted murderers who would love to get their hands on a man of your “proclivities.” In addition to abduction of a minor, you should thank the Nun Corse (which we spell c-o-r-s-p-e these days) for saving you from consummating your inappropriate marriage. In many locales, the difference in your ages might make you guilty of statutory rape. And, no, not even a note from the Pope will get you out of that judicial pickle.
You will be tempted to hire a sorcerer to rid yourself of the specter. Don’t bother. The police will be there before you can figure out how to put your gold coins into PayPal.
Looking forward to your trial & the ruination of your family name,
Erzsebet
The story of the elopement-gone-wrong is from The Monk by Matthew Lewis. The Monk is considered the forbearer to Gothic fiction. It incorporates many of the moods and tropes of Romanticism but is bitingly funny and unafraid to poke fun at Romantic ideals.
Is It Time to Quit My Job at the Castle?
I work in a castle as a personal assistant to the daughter of a wealthy man I’ll call Creep. There is an urban legend that Creep will lose his estate when the “real owner has grown too large to inhabit it” and the only way to keep it in the family is to have male kids to carry on the family name. Creep is getting on in years and pressuring his only son into a quickie marriage. This isn’t ordinary “I want to be a granddaddy” pressure: the son has a terminal illness.
Creep got a mail-order bride for his son. She came to the castle a few weeks before the wedding. She wasn’t into the son (and he’s busy dying), but she became good friends with his sister, which means I saw her often. On the wedding day, the great room was filled with flowers, an orchestra, and long tables with exquisite decorations. The vows were going to be exchanged there instead of the estate chapel, supposedly because there were too many guests to fit in the estate chapel, but everyone joked it was so there would be no time wasted making the next heir. The only problem was that the groom was missing. Creep snapped at one of my co-workers to go and find him. Just after my co-worker left the gallery, there was an enormous noise, followed by screaming. My co-worker ran back into the hall, pale and not making any sense. He just kept saying, “the helmet, the helmet.” You won’t believe this, but a giant helmet from a suit of armor had fallen from the sky and crushed Creep’s son. Instead of being upset about his son’s death, Creep was preoccupied with the helmet.
I gave Creep the benefit of thinking his reaction was due to shock. I was wrong. He became obsessed with his future daughter-in-law! It’s gross; his wife is still alive and in mourning. She is a devout Catholic and divorce isn’t an option for her, but Creep is convinced he can get a dispensation from the Pope to nullify their marriage. I’m used to being in the periphery of family drama (it comes with the territory of being a live-in assistant). If this is where things ended, I would have gotten used to the enormous helmet and the strained marital relations. However, when two co-workers quit after finding an enormous metal boot the length of the portrait room, I began to feel uneasy. Hats without heads in them are common, but what shoe can walk itself into a room several stories up?
Even the second omen didn’t stop Creep’s gross behavior! He approached me with an expensive gift and promised more if I could find out if she has the hots for him. My student loans are crushing (sorry, bad choice of words given the son’s death), and I was thinking about how good it will feel to pay off my debt when I got to the main staircase. A deafening noise of metal grating on stone made me look up & that’s when saw it – a gigantic metal glove lodged at the top of the staircase. I screamed and almost wet myself.
I’m a skeptic but I know what I saw. I’m scared out about what might appear next – greaves? gauntlets? codpiece (eew)? I like my job, the girl I work for is not overly spoiled, and the new “bonuses” will go a long way towards making me debt-free. But… I don’t know if management is changing, or if this family will be bankrupt after being sued for trespassing/squatting/stealing or whatever. Should I quit the castle?
Thanks,
Terror Upon Terror
Dear Terror Upon Terror,
It is understandable you are thinking of making a change. A workplace where individuals are crushed to death by giant, falling pieces of metal is unsafe. If you are a member of a union, you should report this to your representative; otherwise, you can place an anonymous tip with the occupational safety hazard organization for your locality.
If you have a three or more months of living expenses in savings and can extend your healthcare insurance to cover a lapse in employment, I advise you to leave. If your contract requires you to provide a term of service, you may be able to negotiate early termination on grounds of workplace hazards – especially if you have the police report filed for the wrongful death. If you signed a non-compete clause, can you afford to live without a job for the duration of the term? If not, consider how to leverage the skills you have to make a career change. Your hospitality experience could translate to industries beyond the Medieval castle; hotels, catering services, or personal shopper could be a great fit. However, if you cannot imagine your life without a job working in a castle, your options are limited; castle jobs are rare and experience low turn-over rates. In that case, staying may be the right decision – provided the safety issues are resolved.
You should not accept bribes from an employer – ever. This sets a precedent for abuse of power: I give you X, now you do Y – even if Y is repugnant. In your case, O paid you to be the accomplice to his infidelity at best. At worst, you’ll be assisting in the predation of a woman who may feel trapped and isolated. Return the bribe. Make it clear you are unwilling to be involved. Call financial advisors and see if you can lower your tuition payments or if you are eligible for loan forgiveness.
Now that we’ve finished discussing you, my deeper concern is for the former bride-to-be. Inform her of Creeps’s intentions. This gives her the opportunity to leave before Creep crosses from harassment into (perhaps violent) crime. His megalomaniacal fixation on forcing her to bear him a son is dangerous. Given that she is a from another country and far from her support network, she is vulnerable to predation. There are shelters for at-risk women in most cities; offer to help her get to one if she wants to leave.
Best of luck in your future endeavors,
Erzsebet
The story of the giant suit of armor is from The Castle of Otranto by Horace Walpole. The Castle of Otranto is considered the first true work of Gothic fiction. Romantic tropes and themes are upended to create the buffoonish Prince Manfred Otranto and the petty royalty surrounding him. The most authentic characters are the employees, especially Bianca, who inspired this blog post.
And, yes, Walpole cast a giant-sized suit of armor in the role of “ghost.”
I’m a ghosthunter and not sure what to do about a crime I witnessed in a haunted house…
Dear GSFB,
I’m a ghosthunter on a popular show. We get our assignments from people who email us about their supernatural issues. Mostly we play up the evidence we find for dramatic effect, but in our latest investigation, we don’t need to. There is a legit ghost that appears every night. You can imagine how excited the producers are! My teammates and I are stoked, too – we have undeniable empirical evidence of a haunting!
Some quick back story… the guy who contacted us claims he accidentally eloped with the ghost. I’ll call him Romeo, and his girlfriend Juliet. Juliet’s parents are excessively strict & have decreed she will become a nun because her mom promised her to God. Juliet doesn’t want to be a nun; she wants to marry Romeo. Apparently, Romeo convinced her that God won’t mind if she ghosts him because why else would He allow her to fall in love? Romeo also sold her a line that he knows someone who knows the brother-in-law of the Pope and Juliet’s mom can’t possibly object if the Pope says it’s okay. Young love is absurd.
They came to the conclusion the only way to be together is to elope. Juliet lives in a castle reported to be haunted (my team is trying to get permission to film there). The castle ghost is known as “The Bleeding Nun.” Legend has it that on Cinco de Mayo of every fifth year, the ghost takes a stroll. She leaves her room, goes down the East staircase, crosses the great hall, and exits through the castle gates. The family leaves the gates be unlocked that night, which is to the advantage of Romeo and Juliet. They decide that Juliet will impersonate the nun, follow her alleged path, and leave the premises. Her family is scared of the spirit, and never approach her. It wasn’t a bad idea…
Except…
It didn’t work. Instead of Juliet, Romeo ends up letting the ghost into his Uber. When we interviewed him, Romeo stated he thought it was strange that Juliet was strangely quiet and cold; she would only lay stiffly across his lap. He mistook this for exhaustion. Romeo pledged himself to her and kissed, swearing their love is forever. It is at this time that there was a terrible car accident; the Uber accelerated uncontrollably (almost as if an unseen force pressed the pedal to the floor). The driver survived, as did Romeo. Yet there was no sign of Juliet! A police search was mounted because they thought she must have been thrown from the car, perhaps with a head injury that made her wander away in confusion. They did not find her. Juliet remains a missing person. I’ve attached the article where her parents offer a reward for information leading to her safe return. They seem to think Romeo knows more than he’s saying. To be fair, he sounds crazy in the police body-cam footage of him giving his statement at the scene of the crash. He’s engaged a lawyer & won’t speak to any media except my ghost hunting team. Exclusive rights are a GOLD MINE!
Only… and here’s the shitty part that I need help with. I’m pretty sure that Romeo abducted a worker from the castle to prevent her from telling Juliet’s plan. He’s staying in an VRBO rental and there is a room where the team is not allowed to enter. Romeo keeps it locked, but I’ve seen him take a bottle of brandy and pass it to someone with bound wrists stuffed in an old-fashioned wardrobe. I’ve also caught Romeo emptying a bedpan into the toilet. When I confronted him, Romeo claimed I imagined it.
It’s true I’m sleep deprived. The Bleeding Nun is terrifying. Between the nightly visitation and daily investigation and editing creepy footage, I barely sleep. My teammates tell me to just ignore it & that we can tell the police when we’re done filming. I just don’t feel good about that. What should I do?
Accessory After the Fact
Dear Accessory After the Fact,
You have much, much bigger problems than losing exclusive rights to Romeo’s story. I’ve notified the authorities that I’ve received a report of a person being falsely imprisoned. My tech team has traced your IP to a general area. Police are knocking doors now and your best action is to call them before they find the VRBO. If your version of the story is true, I doubt you can be held accountable for the abduction. However (and I am not a lawyer), concealing an ongoing kidnapping is not a good look.
Have you considered that the person in the wardrobe might be Juliet? Based on the reward notice you forwarded, Juliet is a minor and her parents are frantic. Even if Romeo isn’t full of BS and Juliet’s disappearance is not his fault, someone is being held captive, and possibly drugged with something in the brandy.
You’ve seen something & now you need to say something.
Erzsebet
The story of the elopement-gone-wrong is from The Monk by Matthew Lewis. The Monk is considered the forbearer to Gothic fiction. It incorporates many of the moods and tropes of Romanticism but is bitingly funny and unafraid to poke fun at Romantic ideals.